Barney & Friends
Barney, that fat, stupid dinosaur.
A bunch of kids I made up because I don't know the names of the real brats on the show.
Talon, the Velociraptor!
Episode 1: Making New Friends!
"Barney!" cried the children gleefully, as the purple dinosaur appeared before them, smiling broadly.
"Hiya, kids!" he exclaimed, equally happy to see them. Over sixty- five million years old, and his best friends on Earth were a group of children and Baby Bop.
"Barney," said Lucy, one of the younger children, "we got a new boy in class today."
"Did you make friends with him yet?" asked Barney. The kids shook their head sadly.
"We don't know how to make new friends." the children said as one. There was no missing the sadness in their voice.
"Aww..." cooed Barney, "It's alright. I'll show you how to make new friends!"
"In fact, I met a new friend today. Would you like to meet him?"
"YAY!" the children exclaimed louder. Barney smiled again.
"Well, okay. Talon, come on out and say hello to everyone!" said Barney. At that, a pointed snout stuck it's way in through the open door into the otherwise-empty class room, and it sniffed the air.
"No way, fatass. I smell monkeys. Monkeys play with their own feces." growled the owner of the snout. Barney laughed.
"There are no monkeys here, silly, only human children!" laughed Barney.
"There's a difference?" asked the snout, still not entering the room. There was no mistaking the disgust in his voice, yet somehow Barney and the children missed it entirely.
"Please come in!" begged Lucy.
"We really want to meet you!" said Bobby.
"If I come in, will you stop the goddamned whining?" asked the snout, sounding more than a little irritated.
"Yes!" agreed the children happily. With a resigned sigh, the owner of the snout finally stepped into the classroom, and the children went speechless...
Whereas Barney was fat, purple and green, with a constant smile that showed off his polished-white squared-off teeth, the newcomer was completely different. He stood six foot tall, maybe a little more, and his skin wasn't a pleasant color like Barney's; no, it was a dull brown, with light black stripes across the back. Nor did his skin look soft. His skin looked tougher and more like leather.
His fingernails were not squared-off to the point of non-existence, like Barney's. His fingernails were claws, long and sharp, gleaming under the lights. His toenails were much the same, save for one claw on each foot that was far bigger than the others. It was shaped like a sickle, and looked sharper than the others.
His teeth, though white, were not the bright white of Barney's. They were a duller white, and they looked every bit as sharp as his claws. His snout was full of those razor teeth, which, combined with his other features, made him an intimidating sight.
He was not fat in any way, shape, or form. His body was toned and athletic; there was no flab to be seen anywhere. Muscle, on the other hand, was very apparent, especially in the thighs.
His long, rigid tail was also an attention-grabber; it was easily as long as he was tall. Though he kept it stiff often, every now and then it could be seen waving freely.
"Say hello, Talon." said Barney, smiling at him. Talon narrowed his yellow eyes.
"Hi, brats." he said, his voice containing no small amount of malice towards them all. Their shock at his overall appearance faded into friendliness again at the word 'hi,' with the children seemingly not hearing the 'brat' part.
"Wow! You look different."
"What are you?" asked Lucy.
"Hungry." he said, eyeing one of the plumper children. Barney laughed, distracting Talon's attention from the child.
"No, silly; she means what kind of dinosaur you are. I'm a Ty-ran-o- saur-us Rex." said Barney, sounding it out like an idiot.
"What you are," said Talon calmly, "is a moron. I, if you *must* know, am a Velociraptor." Barney and the children both seemed not to hear the 'moron' comment, which irritated Talon further. "My species comes from Mongolia, and we're pack hunters, meaning we work in groups. And we eat meat. We hunt and kill animals and we eat them." he finished, going back to eyeing the plump child.
"Will you be our friend?" asked one of the kids, which distracted Talon yet again.
"What?" he snarled.
"Will you be our friend?" repeated the child.
"We like you!" added Lucy.
"What the hell? Are you brats retarded? I'm a fuckin' carnivore. You monkeys are no more than breakfast, lunch, and dinner to me!" he exclaimed, not believing this nonsense. He pointed to one of the smaller kids. "You! You're dessert!"
The children, and Barney, seemed completely unaffected by this outburst, and laughed.
"Will you be our friend?" pleaded Bobby, who was soon joined by Lucy and Danny in a chorus of "please, please, please."
"OKAY, GODDAMMIT!" screamed Talon. "If it'll make you little bastards happy, I'll be your goddamned friend."
"YAY!" exclaimed the children, rushing forward and hugging him. He didn't return the hug; instead, he glared at Barney with his yellow eyes.
"You're going to die for this." he promised coldly.
"I love you, too, friend!" exclaimed Barney, completely oblivious to the death threat. With that, the purple dinosaur hugged Talon and the children tightly, bringing a nervous twitch to one of those cold, yellow eyes...
When the hug from Hell finally ended (around ten minutes later, Talon thought), Barney began explaining to the children that their bonding experience with Talon was a good example of how to make friends.
As the fat, stupid son of a bitch said this, he made the mistake of having his back turned to Talon.
Talon, still more than a little pissed off from the 'friend' bullshit followed by that nightmarish hug, raised one clawed arm in the air, aiming to bring it down and slice the back of Barney's skull clean open. He doubted there was anything in there, but he knew it would make him feel better. He slashed the arm downward with incredible force-
-and Barney, unfortunately, stepped to the side, wanting Talon to give his input.
The simple act of Barney stepping aside threw Talon's attack off, with his claws missing Barney entirely. Barney mistook the flailing arm for a gesture of friendship, and put an arm around Talon. Talon all but tore the arm from his shoulders, screaming.
"GET YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF OF ME, YOU FAT HOMOSEXUAL RETARD!" he yelled, making sure to expose each and every one of the sharp teeth he had. Barney laughed it off as a joke, which only served to infuriate the young predator further. He prepared to pounce, wanting nothing more than to rip Barney's throat wide open and watch him bleed to death on the carpet.
"Talon," asked one of the children that he had already learned to identify as Jenny, "how do you make new friends?"
"I don't." he said coldly. "I kill things, and eat them. I don't need 'friends.'"
"But you're our friend."
"Only until I get hungry." came the sour reply. The children and Barney all laughed, thinking it to be a joke. 'Jesus,' thought Talon, 'I've died and gone to Hell.'
"Really, Talon, how do you make new friends?" asked the fat little bastard called Kenny. Talon sighed. 'This is worse than Hell; I've died and gone to Special Ed.'
"Maul the hell out of the bastard and leave him for dead. If he survives, he gets my respect. That's as close as I come to making friends."
"What does 'maul' mean?" asked Jenny, sounding genuinely confused
"Oh, for the love of God, just pick up a bat or a lead pipe and beat the son of a bitch with it!" said an exasperated Talon.
"Oh... Okay!" said Jenny cheerfully. "Thanks for all the advice, guys, but it's time for us to go home!"
"THERE IS A GOD!" exclaimed Talon happily, looking up at the sky. The children giggled at him, and then hugged him. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! Let go of me, you damned dirty monkeys!" he bellowed, trying to shake them off from his leg and from around his neck. Finally, they released him, and hugged Barney, who, much to Talon's disgust enjoyed the affection of the little brats.
"Bye, kids!" said Barney, waving as the little ones left. Talon stood far away from Barney, looking at his clawed hands.
"I feel so dirty... I think I have 'stupid little turd' germs now." he said, shuddering. Then it occured to him that the children were gone, and he was alone with Barney. He began to tap the big sickle-shaped claw on his right foot against the floor menacingly, contemplating how to make the fat retard suffer the worst.
Barney, for his part, stood at the door, his back turned to Talon, watching the children until they were out of sight.
"Tell me, dear *friend*," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he said that horrible f word, "what do you think is the most horrible way to die? I want your opinion; I'm doing a survey." he said, smiling evilly, letting every sharp tooth in his head be seen.
"Gee, Talon, I don't know. I've never really thought about it." said Barney, naively believing the 'survey' crap. "But if you really want to know, I'll think about it and tell you tomorrow, if you'll remind me." he said, smiling kindly. Talon's right eye twitched, and he continued to tap his claw against the floor.
"Sure..." he said, forcing a smile. He wanted nothing more than to kill Barney here and now, but he wanted the fat fool's death to be as terrible as possible. For that, he'd have to wait until the purple twit could decide on what he considered to be the most horrible death one could suffer. "Tomorrow, then." he said, making a mental post-it note that said 'Barney dies tomorrow', and sticking the note to the forefront of his mind.
"Good night, Talon!" said Barney, waving his hand and vanishing.
"Goddamned freak of nature..." muttered Talon as he departed through the still-open door, heading back to his artificial cave in the woods.
'Tomorrow', he thought, 'tomorrow.'
"Barney!" came the call of the children, summoning the purple Twitasaurus Rex in a magical 'poof.'
"Hiya, kids!" he exclaimed cheerily. He looked around. "Is Talon not here?"
"Unfortunately, yes, I am." growled the Velociraptor as he entered the classroom via the open door. The children giggled and rushed forward to hug him, and he hopped up on the empty teacher's desk defensively.
"Don't. Touch. Me." he growled menacingly. The children just shrugged and then turned to Barney.
"We made friends with the new kid today!" exclaimed Jenny.
"Yeah, and we didn't even have to maul him like Talon said!" added Timmy, causing Talon to curse vehemently. Everyone ignored the string of obscenities spewing forth from Talon and continued talking.
"He's waiting in the hall to meet you guys!" said Lucy.
"Oh, *wonderful*." said Talon sarcastically. Barney, on the other hand, smiled gleefully.
"Well, let's meet him!" Barney exclaimed. Talon just scowled at the fat fool, saying nothing.
Lucy went into the hall and returned with another child, who looked at Barney and Talon with wonder in his eyes.
"Wow..." he breathed. "Are you real dinosaurs?" he asked.
"You bet we are!" Barney said jovially.
"Wow..." the kid repeated, awestruck.
"I'm Barney, and you are?"
"My name is Joey."
"Hi, Joey, glad to meet you!" said Barney, happily shaking the child's hand. Joey smiled, feeling welcomed and loved already. Talon felt his lunch working it's way back up his throat...
"Hi! You are...?" asked Joey, trying to make friends with Talon.
"Pissed off." answered Talon sharply. Joey blinked and backed away, seeming to understand him. Talon cocked his head and peered at the child. 'Odd', he thought, 'the other brats don't get it, but he does. What's different with this monkey?'
"Oh, don't be silly, Talon!" laughed Barney. "Joey, this is Talon. Talon is a little shy, I think, so he doesn't say much."
"I'm about as shy as you are straight." shot back Talon. The comment seemed to go over Barney's thick head, as usual. Joey stared up at Talon as he ranted, a glimmer of fear in his eyes.
"Talon, you're so funny!" laughed Kenny and Lucy together. He turned to glare at them, and then he noticed Joey staring.
"What are *you* looking at, you little freak?" he snapped. Joey shrank back away from the aggressive dinosaur.
"I'm sorry!" he said, his voice shaking. Again, Talon was taken aback. He blinked, and cocked his head, peering closer at the boy. He took a step forward, sniffing the child. Joey, for his part, was still shaking, and the shaking got worse as Talon's snout came within an inch of the boy's face, smelling him.
"Please don't hurt me!" begged Joey, the shaking now overwhelming the child. Talon narrowed his eyes and growled in his throat. The child's actions thus far had raised suspicions in Talon, and sniffing of the boy had heightened them further, and finally, the plea to not hurt him confirmed Talon's suspicions.
Joey came from an abusive family.
"You are safe from me, child." growled Talon as softly as he could. With that, he turned and stalked away to a corner, pondering this bit of information he'd figured out. Barney and the other children never noticed what had occured, and proceeded to babble on to each other idiotically. Joey stared at Talon for a few more seconds, and then went over to join his new friends in their games.
As the day came to a close and the children said their good-byes, Talon kept staring at the new kid. Joey was bringing back unpleasant memories, memories that despite his best efforts, made his feel sorry for the boy. Talon was huge by raptor standards now, but it had not always been so. No, not that way at all.
He had been the runt of the litter at first.
Growing up in a pack of carnivores was not easy. The biggest, strongest, and meanest survived. All others died, and were usually eaten by the others. Talon had been born a runt, and was tormented by the older and bigger juveniles. Worse, the adults treated him with even more disdain, especially the one he'd identified as his father. As a youth, he gained many scars from the adults, and came close to dying on more than a few occasions.
But Death, it seemed, did not want him.
Always he survived, and he began to grow bigger, and stronger. The years of abuse and torment had forged him into a killer among killers, a true monster. Finally, he was big enough and strong enough to be left alone by all other raptors.
In celebration of that, he disemboweled his father, and watched him die slowly. Others tried to dart in and feast on the dying raptor, but Talon would not have it. All who tried were pushed back, wounded. He wanted the old one to die slowly, painfully. It was payback for the abuse he had suffered as a hatchling, and then as a juvenile. When at last the old one was dead, Talon turned and stalked off. He wanted no part of eating that foul creature. It was beneath him.
It was not, however, beneath the others in the pack. And this time, he did not stop them from their feast.
Talon blinked, snapping out of his flashback as one of the godforsaken human whelps hugged him goodbye. He said nothing, nor did he return the gesture. Finally, all the children had left save for Joey, who seemed reluctant to leave.
"Now, Joey," said Barney, "it's time for you to go home. You don't want mommy and daddy to worry about you, do you?"
"No..." Joey answered weakly, heading for the door. Talon felt a newfound rage, and wanted to kill Barney right then and there. He was sending the brat home for more pain...
"Child..." hissed Talon. Joey turned around, realizing the creature was addressing him.
"You and I have something in common. It will keep you safe from me." said Talon. Joey's eyes widened as he realized the implication.
"You mean you were-"
"Yes, child, I was. Do not worry; the pain does not last forever. One day it will come to an end, one way or another." said Talon finally. Joey scratched his head, obviously not sure of what Talon meant.
"Goodbye, Talon, goodbye Barney!" said Joey, smiling sadly as he left. Talon hissed and turned away from the door, not wanting to watch the boy leave.
"It isn't right." he said, his voice low and dangerous.
"What isn't right?" asked the overly-cheerful purple moron, obviously not grasping the seriousness of it all.
"You could not smell it on him?"
"Smell what? The cookies he had at snack-time?" asked Barney ignorantly. Talon sighed, and headed for the exit.
"Nevermind, fool. It is of no importance to you."
"Is it something bad?"
"Yes..." said Talon, his patience starting to abandon him.
"Should we do something about whatever it is?" asked Barney, sounding concerned now.
"I will deal with it when the time is right." said Talon darkly, tapping the sickle claw on his right foot against the floor. Not another word was said as he stalked out the door, heading for his cave, leaving Barney there to wonder what was going on all by himself.
Well, That's the end of Episode 1. Stay tuned for the next episode, 'Kenny Moves Away'!
Talon: *burp!* Don't worry, he doesn't move far...