Barney & Friends
Cast
Barney, that fat, stupid dinosaur.
A bunch of kids I made up because I don't know the names of the real brats
on the show.
And introducing...
Talon, the Velociraptor!
-----
Episode 1: Making New Friends!
"Barney!" cried the children gleefully, as the purple dinosaur
appeared before them, smiling broadly.
"Hiya, kids!" he exclaimed, equally happy to see them. Over
sixty- five million years old, and his best friends on Earth were a group
of children and Baby Bop.
"Barney," said Lucy, one of the younger children, "we got a
new boy in class today."
"Did you make friends with him yet?" asked Barney. The kids
shook their head sadly.
"We don't know how to make new friends." the children said as
one. There was no missing the sadness in their voice.
"Aww..." cooed Barney, "It's alright. I'll show you how to
make new friends!"
"Yay!"
"In fact, I met a new friend today. Would you like to meet him?"
"YAY!" the children exclaimed louder. Barney smiled again.
"Well, okay. Talon, come on out and say hello to everyone!" said
Barney. At that, a pointed snout stuck it's way in through the open door
into the otherwise-empty class room, and it sniffed the air.
"No way, fatass. I smell monkeys. Monkeys play with their own feces."
growled the owner of the snout. Barney laughed.
"There are no monkeys here, silly, only human children!" laughed
Barney.
"There's a difference?" asked the snout, still not entering the
room. There was no mistaking the disgust in his voice, yet somehow Barney and the children missed it entirely.
"Please come in!" begged Lucy.
"We really want to meet you!" said Bobby.
"If I come in, will you stop the goddamned whining?" asked the
snout, sounding more than a little irritated.
"Yes!" agreed the children happily. With a resigned sigh, the
owner of the snout finally stepped into the classroom, and the children
went speechless...
-----
Whereas Barney was fat, purple and green, with a constant smile that
showed off his polished-white squared-off teeth, the newcomer was
completely different. He stood six foot tall, maybe a little more, and his
skin wasn't a pleasant color like Barney's; no, it was a dull brown, with
light black stripes across the back. Nor did his skin look soft. His skin
looked tougher and more like leather.
His fingernails were not squared-off to the point of non-existence, like
Barney's. His fingernails were claws, long and sharp, gleaming under the
lights. His toenails were much the same, save for one claw on each foot
that was far bigger than the others. It was shaped like a sickle, and
looked sharper than the others.
His teeth, though white, were not the bright white of Barney's. They were
a duller white, and they looked every bit as sharp as his claws. His snout
was full of those razor teeth, which, combined with his other features,
made him an intimidating sight.
He was not fat in any way, shape, or form. His body was toned and athletic;
there was no flab to be seen anywhere. Muscle, on the other hand, was very
apparent, especially in the thighs.
His long, rigid tail was also an attention-grabber; it was easily as long
as he was tall. Though he kept it stiff often, every now and then it could
be seen waving freely.
"Say hello, Talon." said Barney, smiling at him. Talon narrowed
his yellow eyes.
"Hi, brats." he said, his voice containing no small amount of
malice towards them all. Their shock at his overall appearance faded into
friendliness again at the word 'hi,' with the children seemingly not
hearing the 'brat' part.
"Wow! You look different."
"What are you?" asked Lucy.
"Hungry." he said, eyeing one of the plumper children. Barney
laughed, distracting Talon's attention from the child.
"No, silly; she means what kind of dinosaur you are. I'm a Ty-ran-o-
saur-us Rex." said Barney, sounding it out like an idiot.
"What you are," said Talon calmly, "is a moron. I, if you *must*
know, am a Velociraptor." Barney and the children both seemed not to
hear the 'moron' comment, which irritated Talon further. "My species
comes from Mongolia, and we're pack hunters, meaning we work in groups.
And we eat meat. We hunt and kill animals and we eat them." he
finished, going back to eyeing the plump child.
"Will you be our friend?" asked one of the kids, which
distracted Talon yet again.
"What?" he snarled.
"Will you be our friend?" repeated the child.
"We like you!" added Lucy.
"What the hell? Are you brats retarded? I'm a fuckin' carnivore. You
monkeys are no more than breakfast, lunch, and dinner to me!" he
exclaimed, not believing this nonsense. He pointed to one of the smaller
kids. "You! You're dessert!"
The children, and Barney, seemed completely unaffected by this outburst,
and laughed.
"Will you be our friend?" pleaded Bobby, who was soon joined by
Lucy and Danny in a chorus of "please, please, please."
"OKAY, GODDAMMIT!" screamed Talon. "If it'll make you
little bastards happy, I'll be your goddamned friend."
"YAY!" exclaimed the children, rushing forward and hugging him.
He didn't return the hug; instead, he glared at Barney with his yellow
eyes.
"You're going to die for this." he promised coldly.
"I love you, too, friend!" exclaimed Barney, completely
oblivious to the death threat. With that, the purple dinosaur hugged Talon
and the children tightly, bringing a nervous twitch to one of those cold,
yellow eyes...
-----
When the hug from Hell finally ended (around ten minutes later, Talon
thought), Barney began explaining to the children that their bonding
experience with Talon was a good example of how to make friends.
As the fat, stupid son of a bitch said this, he made the mistake of having
his back turned to Talon.
Talon, still more than a little pissed off from the 'friend' bullshit
followed by that nightmarish hug, raised one clawed arm in the air, aiming
to bring it down and slice the back of Barney's skull clean open. He
doubted there was anything in there, but he knew it would make him feel
better. He slashed the arm downward with incredible force-
-and Barney, unfortunately, stepped to the side, wanting Talon to give his
input.
The simple act of Barney stepping aside threw Talon's attack off, with his
claws missing Barney entirely. Barney mistook the flailing arm for a
gesture of friendship, and put an arm around Talon. Talon all but tore the
arm from his shoulders, screaming.
"GET YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF OF ME, YOU FAT HOMOSEXUAL RETARD!" he
yelled, making sure to expose each and every one of the sharp teeth he had.
Barney laughed it off as a joke, which only served to infuriate the young
predator further. He prepared to pounce, wanting nothing more than to rip
Barney's throat wide open and watch him bleed to death on the carpet.
"Talon," asked one of the children that he had already learned
to identify as Jenny, "how do you make new friends?"
"I don't." he said coldly. "I kill things, and eat them. I
don't need 'friends.'"
"But you're our friend."
"Only until I get hungry." came the sour reply. The children and
Barney all laughed, thinking it to be a joke. 'Jesus,' thought Talon, 'I've
died and gone to Hell.'
"Really, Talon, how do you make new friends?" asked the fat
little bastard called Kenny. Talon sighed. 'This is worse than Hell; I've
died and gone to Special Ed.'
"Maul the hell out of the bastard and leave him for dead. If he
survives, he gets my respect. That's as close as I come to making friends."
"What does 'maul' mean?" asked Jenny, sounding genuinely
confused
"Oh, for the love of God, just pick up a bat or a lead pipe and beat
the son of a bitch with it!" said an exasperated Talon.
"Oh... Okay!" said Jenny cheerfully. "Thanks for all the
advice, guys, but it's time for us to go home!"
"THERE IS A GOD!" exclaimed Talon happily, looking up at the sky.
The children giggled at him, and then hugged him. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! Let
go of me, you damned dirty monkeys!" he bellowed, trying to shake
them off from his leg and from around his neck. Finally, they released him,
and hugged Barney, who, much to Talon's disgust
enjoyed the affection of the little brats.
"Bye, kids!" said Barney, waving as the little ones left. Talon
stood far away from Barney, looking at his clawed hands.
"I feel so dirty... I think I have 'stupid little turd' germs now."
he said, shuddering. Then it occured to him that the children were gone,
and he was alone with Barney. He began to tap the big sickle-shaped claw
on his right foot against the floor menacingly, contemplating how to make
the fat retard suffer the worst.
Barney, for his part, stood at the door, his back turned to Talon,
watching the children until they were out of sight.
"Tell me, dear *friend*," he said, his voice dripping with
sarcasm as he said that horrible f word, "what do you think is the
most horrible way to die? I want your opinion; I'm doing a survey."
he said, smiling evilly, letting every sharp tooth in his head be seen.
"Gee, Talon, I don't know. I've never really thought about it."
said Barney, naively believing the 'survey' crap. "But if you really
want to know, I'll think about it and tell you tomorrow, if you'll remind
me." he said, smiling kindly. Talon's right eye twitched, and he
continued to tap his claw against the floor.
"Sure..." he said, forcing a smile. He wanted nothing more than
to kill Barney here and now, but he wanted the fat fool's death to be as
terrible as possible. For that, he'd have to wait until the purple twit
could decide on what he considered to be the most horrible death one could
suffer. "Tomorrow, then." he said, making a mental post-it note
that said 'Barney dies tomorrow', and sticking the note to the forefront
of his mind.
"Good night, Talon!" said Barney, waving his hand and vanishing.
"Goddamned freak of nature..." muttered Talon as he departed
through the still-open door, heading back to his artificial cave in the
woods.
'Tomorrow', he thought, 'tomorrow.'
-----
"Barney!" came the call of the children, summoning the purple
Twitasaurus Rex in a magical 'poof.'
"Hiya, kids!" he exclaimed cheerily. He looked around. "Is
Talon not here?"
"Unfortunately, yes, I am." growled the Velociraptor as he
entered the classroom via the open door. The children giggled and rushed
forward to hug him, and he hopped up on the empty teacher's desk
defensively.
"Don't. Touch. Me." he growled menacingly. The children just
shrugged and then turned to Barney.
"We made friends with the new kid today!" exclaimed Jenny.
"Yeah, and we didn't even have to maul him like Talon said!"
added Timmy, causing Talon to curse vehemently. Everyone ignored the
string of obscenities spewing forth from Talon and continued talking.
"He's waiting in the hall to meet you guys!" said Lucy.
"Oh, *wonderful*." said Talon sarcastically. Barney, on the
other hand, smiled gleefully.
"Well, let's meet him!" Barney exclaimed. Talon just scowled at
the fat fool, saying nothing.
-----
Lucy went into the hall and returned with another child, who looked at
Barney and Talon with wonder in his eyes.
"Wow..." he breathed. "Are you real dinosaurs?" he
asked.
"You bet we are!" Barney said jovially.
"Wow..." the kid repeated, awestruck.
"I'm Barney, and you are?"
"My name is Joey."
"Hi, Joey, glad to meet you!" said Barney, happily shaking the
child's hand. Joey smiled, feeling welcomed and loved already. Talon felt
his lunch working it's way back up his throat...
"Hi! You are...?" asked Joey, trying to make friends with Talon.
"Pissed off." answered Talon sharply. Joey blinked and backed
away, seeming to understand him. Talon cocked his head and peered at the
child. 'Odd', he thought, 'the other brats don't get it, but he does.
What's different with this monkey?'
"Oh, don't be silly, Talon!" laughed Barney. "Joey, this is
Talon. Talon is a little shy, I think, so he doesn't say much."
"I'm about as shy as you are straight." shot back Talon. The
comment seemed to go over Barney's thick head, as usual. Joey stared up at
Talon as he ranted, a glimmer of fear in his eyes.
"Talon, you're so funny!" laughed Kenny and Lucy together. He
turned to glare at them, and then he noticed Joey staring.
"What are *you* looking at, you little freak?" he snapped. Joey
shrank back away from the aggressive dinosaur.
"I'm sorry!" he said, his voice shaking. Again, Talon was taken
aback. He blinked, and cocked his head, peering closer at the boy. He took
a step forward, sniffing the child. Joey, for his part, was still shaking,
and the shaking got worse as Talon's snout came within an inch of the
boy's face, smelling him.
"Please don't hurt me!" begged Joey, the shaking now
overwhelming the child. Talon narrowed his eyes and growled in his throat.
The child's actions thus far had raised suspicions in Talon, and sniffing
of the boy had heightened them further, and finally, the plea to not hurt
him confirmed Talon's suspicions.
Joey came from an abusive family.
"You are safe from me, child." growled Talon as softly as he
could. With that, he turned and stalked away to a corner, pondering this
bit of information he'd figured out. Barney and the other children never
noticed what had occured, and proceeded to babble on to each other
idiotically. Joey stared at Talon for a few more seconds, and then went
over to join his new friends in their games.
-----
As the day came to a close and the children said their good-byes, Talon
kept staring at the new kid. Joey was bringing back unpleasant memories,
memories that despite his best efforts, made his feel sorry for the boy.
Talon was huge by raptor standards now, but it had not always been so. No,
not that way at all.
He had been the runt of the litter at first.
Growing up in a pack of carnivores was not easy. The biggest, strongest,
and meanest survived. All others died, and were usually eaten by the
others. Talon had been born a runt, and was tormented by the older and
bigger juveniles. Worse, the adults treated him with even more disdain,
especially the one he'd identified as his father. As a youth, he gained
many scars from the adults, and came close to dying on more than a few
occasions.
But Death, it seemed, did not want him.
Always he survived, and he began to grow bigger, and stronger. The years
of abuse and torment had forged him into a killer among killers, a true
monster. Finally, he was big enough and strong enough to be left alone by
all other raptors.
In celebration of that, he disemboweled his father, and watched him die
slowly. Others tried to dart in and feast on the dying raptor, but Talon
would not have it. All who tried were pushed back, wounded. He wanted the
old one to die slowly, painfully. It was payback for the abuse he had
suffered as a hatchling, and then as a juvenile. When at last the old one
was dead, Talon turned and stalked off. He wanted no part of eating that
foul creature. It was beneath him.
It was not, however, beneath the others in the pack. And this time, he did
not stop them from their feast.
Talon blinked, snapping out of his flashback as one of the godforsaken
human whelps hugged him goodbye. He said nothing, nor did he return the
gesture. Finally, all the children had left save for Joey, who seemed
reluctant to leave.
"Now, Joey," said Barney, "it's time for you to go home.
You don't want mommy and daddy to worry about you, do you?"
"No..." Joey answered weakly, heading for the door. Talon felt a
newfound rage, and wanted to kill Barney right then and there. He was
sending the brat home for more pain...
"Child..." hissed Talon. Joey turned around, realizing the
creature was addressing him.
"You and I have something in common. It will keep you safe from me."
said Talon. Joey's eyes widened as he realized the implication.
"You mean you were-"
"Yes, child, I was. Do not worry; the pain does not last forever. One
day it will come to an end, one way or another." said Talon finally.
Joey scratched his head, obviously not sure of what Talon meant.
"Goodbye, Talon, goodbye Barney!" said Joey, smiling sadly as he
left. Talon hissed and turned away from the door, not wanting to watch the
boy leave.
"It isn't right." he said, his voice low and dangerous.
"What isn't right?" asked the overly-cheerful purple moron,
obviously not grasping the seriousness of it all.
"You could not smell it on him?"
"Smell what? The cookies he had at snack-time?" asked Barney
ignorantly. Talon sighed, and headed for the exit.
"Nevermind, fool. It is of no importance to you."
"Is it something bad?"
"Yes..." said Talon, his patience starting to abandon him.
"Should we do something about whatever it is?" asked Barney,
sounding concerned now.
"I will deal with it when the time is right." said Talon darkly,
tapping the sickle claw on his right foot against the floor. Not another
word was said as he stalked out the door, heading for his cave, leaving
Barney there to wonder what was going on all by himself.
-----
Well, That's the end of Episode 1. Stay tuned for the next episode, 'Kenny
Moves Away'!
Talon: *burp!* Don't worry, he doesn't move far...