101 Ways to
Keep A Female Raptor Happy
(By Ellie (a.k.a. Minstelae))
- Do not get in the way of a raptor and her chocolate.
- You are not Number One in her life... chocolate is. You are only Number Two. Give her a steady supply of chocolate and meat, and everyone will be happy.
- Do not ignore her when she's mad.
- Do not make her feel as if she's worth nothing, especially if she's an Alpha Female Raptor.
- Did I forget to mention chocolate?
- Don't leave the toilet seat up. She hates it when she accidentally flushes her tail down the toilet.
- Don't walk around smelling like greens or vegetation. She might think you are an herbivore and eat you. That would be keeping her too happy.
- Don't walk around smelling like cheap beer. Beer makes a raptor throw up.
- Don't walk around smelling like rotting meat, either. She won't know whether to gag or eat you.
- Make sure she has plenty of toothpaste and claw polishing agents. A happy raptor has to look pretty.
- Don't drop her for a female human. She might decide you are both food.
- Give her plenty of meat.
- Give her plenty of chocolate.
- Play with her often. Pouncing is a very good thing.
- Always let her pounce you. Make sure she doesn't lose every fight.
- Be creative. A bored raptor can be a very dangerous thing.
- Did I forget to mention meat?
- Steak cooked rare is a good thing... raw is better.
- Sushi is always good.
- When you make her mad, don't give her flowers, unless you don't mind a mess of flower petals all over the floor. Always remember, flowers are a fun thing to play with.
- When you make her mad, lower your head and act submissively. That is the only way you might be able to survive her anger.
- Don't tell her she's too cute to be vicious. That makes even the cutest hatchlings very, very angry. Ever feel raptor hatchling teeth? Very, very sharp... like little razors.
- Play-biting is a good thing. Chomping is not.
- Did I forget to mention chocolate?
- Nuzzles are always a good thing. Always. Even when she's angry and about to bite your head off.
- Cute little eeps and gurgles are always good.
- Speak her language, and listen to her often. Key points to understanding are speaking her language.
- Awesome hatchday present = chocolate-covered Iguanodon.
- Better hatchday present = sushi with chocolate-covered Gastonia.
- Don't run off scared if she suddenly stands up and goes WEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Chances are, she just wants to have fun.
- Never, ever deny a raptor her fun. To do so would mean certain death.
- Play-pounce her often.
- Let her chase you around like you are prey sometimes. She needs practice.
- Groom her feather-crest every day. Otherwise, she will begin to look scraggly, and she doesn't like looking like that all the time... only after a play session.
- Chocolate. Chocolate. CHOCOLATE!!!
- Play with her feather-crest or her tail often... just make sure she knows its you and not someone else trying to hit on her... or you just might be food.
- If the door is closed to the bathroom, knock. If you walk in the shower on her, you will die a very slow and painful death, such as have certain body parts chopped off and thrown in a wood chipper right before your eyes.
- When she's upset, don't read her poetry. Read her Raptor Red. And yes, I do mean the whole thing.
- Don't be mad if she watches Jurassic Park too many times. It's a good movie. Especially with the raptors in it... *drool*... um... did I just do that? *grins*
- Always compliment her. Insults get you thrown into Giganotosaurus territory.
- Don't run away in fear if she jokes about having your fingers dipped in BBQ sauce. If she's laughing, you're safe. If she's hissing... well... good riddance to ya!
- Don't bump into her if she's picking her nose... um, snout... do you know how badly claws can hurt?
- Make sure you let her groom your feather-crest. Even if she did accidentally dump chocolate
on it the other day.
- Make sure you can differentiate real hissing from play-hissing. It can mean the difference between life and death if you do know the difference.
- Make sure she doesn't mistake your back for a claw-sharpener. Enough said.
- Do I smell... CHOCOLATE???
- Do not mistake her dancing to the radio as a courtship dance. It does not pay to always be cocky.
- Don't run in terror every time she smiles for the camera. That hurts her feelings. And a raptor with hurt feelings is a very bad thing.
- Let her pick her teeth in public.
- An idea for fun: Take her out to the nearest waterfall and let her jump down it into the water below. And yes, she can swim. And she will also come up afterwards eeping and gurgling like a hatchling.
- Do not be offended if she hits you with her tail. Tails are cute.
- There is absolutely nothing wrong with a grown raptor acting like a hatchling. If you can't stop acting your age, you're boring. (Please see Number 16.)
- If she tells you she knows Raptor Red, don't accuse her of lying, unless you don't mind a red-snouted Utahraptor female showing up by your nest at night and tail-thwapping you (or worse).
- Chinese food is good. Japanese food is better. Japanese humans are the best.
- Never tell her you hate raptors or carnosaurs. She'll eat you, and chances are, you go well with BBQ sauce or A1. Or even wasabi. Hmm... *drools*
- Freshly caught sushi is always the best.
- Don't go into that part of the Code about weapons being enemies. She can't help it... she was hatched
with ‘em... and also knows how to use them. *flexes her killing-claws*
- You'd better not mind random burping!
- *Sniff, sniff* You smell like chocolate!!!
- Don't deny her food if she's hungry. No bad looks if she goes to the kitchen and steals food while you're making supper. You're lucky she didn't pick you up as a snack.
- Anything that can make a raptor hyper = a very, VERY good thing!!!
- NO comments about weight. Raptors are fine, no matter what they weigh. Besides... you don't want
to be the food item that makes her fatter, now do you?
- Always be understanding if she wants to go outside and go on a rampage. Sometimes a rampage is a good thing. Especially if you're not involved in it.
- Keep the sickeningly cute stuffies away, a beautiful raptor does not need competition.
- Do not invest in a pet - dogs/cats/rabbits/furry creatures = snack.
- Goldfish are fine, depending on the temperament of your particular raptor.
- Do not buy large, expensive blow-up toys for your swimming pool. They will not survive.
- Do not attempt to knit or crochet around your raptor. Claws will get tangled up in yarn.
- Do not smile and nod when she asks you a question just to get her out of your hair... er, feather-crest. It does not appeal to her. And you do not want her teeth embedded in your head.
- Never ever deny her a Wal-Mart run. Remember Number 1? Yeah. *nods*
- She does not need your protection most of the time, true... but sometimes it pays to show her you're willing. Otherwise... well... hmm... isn't it dinnertime?
- If a red-snouted female Utahraptor knocks at your door, you'd better let her in. Or die.
- Never deny her a good tickle-pouncing.
- If she goes outside to use the bathroom, don't worry. She is just marking her territory.
- Ooh! What is that crunchy thing lying on the ground? *sniff, sniff!*
- If she bites you in her sleep, forgive her. And don't mention it. You don't want herto feel bad. Trust me.
- The Raptor Chick Eyes [TM] work every time. Or else.
- Do not follow her around making funny voices in her ears. She will be mad as anything
if she can't hear anything after that.
- Uh oh... where'd you hide the chocolate this time? Are you hiding it from me, huh? HISSSSSSSSSS!!!
- Always let her play-pounce you to wake you up in the morning. It's her way of saying hi.
- Never, ever deprive her of her copy of Raptor Red, even if she has two copies and you just hide one of them. Don't ever do that. If her prized possessions are missing, you will die, and soon.
- If you come home one night and she's in the living room partying with her pack, now is not a good time to mention not marking her territory outside anymore.
- STrilly chirp click click! EEEEEEEEP! *pouncy!* *THUD!*
- Always, and I do mean always, consider her your Alpha Female, and a packmate,
no matter what packs you are technically from.
- Don't be embarrassed or angry if she gets a little hyper and starts shaking her raptor tail in public. She is not hitting on the other males. She's just excited about something.
- Don't get too annoyed if she takes too long in the bathroom. She just wants to polish her claws and make them blue and sparkly, and chances are, you take much longer when you're in the bathroom.
- Sneak up on her when she's outside, and pounce her when she least expects it. She loves the playful suspense of play-attacks.
- If she eats off the ground or floor, don't get mad. The ten-second rule has now been changed
into the infinity rule.
- CHOCOLATE!!! Did you say chocolate??? WHERE???
- Head-bobs are cute. Use them often.
- Give her what she wants, when she wants it. An impatient raptor is an angry raptor.
- Be careful of her claws when she's asleep. Even if she's a gentle raptor, sometimes her claws will flinch. Now is not the time to tickle her stomach and see if her claws twitch. Especially if it's dark.
- You're cute when you whimper.
- You're crunchy when you're selfish.
- Don't laugh at her if she tries to pounce something and does not succeed. It could be you she tries
pouncing next, and perhaps you will be an easier victim.
- Do all of the above, and you just might get to live a day longer.